The 21 Laws of Relationships Part 1 By Junior DeSouza

By Junior deSouza


The 21 Laws of Relationships (Part 1)
By Junior DeSouza




Relationship Pre-Laws

The twenty-one laws to follow pertain to relationships already in progress. These three pre-laws, however, are simply guides for the selection process, before relationships happen.

Pre-law #1: Relationships are abundant, not scarce Being in Relationship Prison too long or too often makes one feel that relationships are rare, that there is simply not enough love to go around. Consequently, we cling to whatever mediocre or malicious person that floats into our orbit. Why settle? There's plenty of good relationships to go around, if you know and follow relationship laws (Ps 34:9,10, 84:11).

Pre-law #2: Know what you're looking for Where there is no vision people perish (Pr 29:18 KJV). Know the type of relationship you want. Many wander from person to person hoping to be saved from themselves, their past, and their sense of nothingness and emptiness. Consequently, they become a string puppet in someone else's theater. Understand yourself and enjoy your own company, and from this knowledge establish clear values for what you want in a relationship. You can only love a neighbor as you love yourself (Mk 12:31).

Pre-law #3: Break the pattern Don't keep drifting to subpar people! This repetition compulsion is a subconscious phenomenon whereby we keep repeating disappointing relationships until we "fix it" and "make it right". Make a conscious effort by the Holy Spirit to engage different, more wholesome, people. Be choosy. Intentionally go against the pattern and break it. Proverbs 12:26 (NKJV): The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.



#1...THE LAW OF FOUNDATION



Relationships flourish when comprehensively founded on the person, principles, and presence of Jesus Christ.

Any relationship's outcome will depend on its deepest foundation, its truest center, its strongest motivation for existence and continuance. No other foundation exists other than Jesus Christ (1Co 3:11). Anything built upon Him and His Word is sturdy, steady, and secure, while any other foundation will prove disillusioning when visited by life's ferocious realities (Lk 6:46-49).

For a relationship to fully flourish under God's pleasure, each person must contribute a personal spirituality founded on the Lord Jesus Christ. This means a daily, vibrant, growing relationship with Him and His kingdom. The deceptive counterfeit is when a person has a mere intellectual agreement with Christianity. This is NOT being founded on the Lord, but simply a person smart enough to recognize truth. A person founded on Christ is a born-again organism that is perpetually breathing, feeding, growing, and reproducing in Him in obvious ways.



#2...THE LAW OF PERSONAL WHOLENESS



Relationships flourish in proportion to the inner wellbeing of each person.

Whole individuals make happy relationships, while broken individuals make unhappy ones. The more emotionally sound the individuals are, the more relaxed and enjoyable the relationship. The stronger the individuals' sense of personal worth and identity, the stronger the relationship. The equation is pretty common sense.

It is a fool's game expecting someone else to be responsible for our happiness. Relationships often go belly-up because one person is unwhole and unhappy internally, yet blames their partner. Your life is your own stewardship! Become emotionally whole and filled with a sense of identity in Christ (Isa 61:1-3, Lk 4:18 NKJV). Then, and only then, will you be able to pull your weight toward a great relationship.



#3...THE LAW OF PERSONALITY



Relationships flourish in proportion to personality understanding and empathy.

We all were divinely designed in uniqueness and difference (Ps 33:15, 139:13-16, Eph 2:10). This means each individual contains a distinct set of passions, values, opinions, and behaviors stemming from their personal nature. Relationships crumble when individuals compromise their basic personality, or when it is not understood, appreciated, and encouraged. On the other hand, relationships soar when individuality and empathy abound.

The Bible gives us enlightening truths about human personality, which is ultimately traced back to divine personality. Some people are naturally powerful and strong-willed, like Paul the intense leader (Ac 23:2,3, Gal 2:11,14). Some are naturally peaceable and submissive, like Abraham, the compliant partner (Gen 16:1,2,6, 23:16). Some are naturally playful and sanguine, like Elijah, the sarcastic provocateur (1Ki 18:27). Some are naturally pensive and serious, like Jeremiah, the brutally realistic and weepy prophet (Jer 20: 14-18, 15:10, Lam 1:16,20,21, 2:11, 3:48).

Understand yourself and be yourself. Though a part of you will form a new identity with this individual(s), your basic person must remain intact. Some need to discover (or rediscover) themselves before they seek to discover another. In discovering another, celebrate what you find, though it differ from you.



#4...THE LAW OF FUNCTIONAL KNOWLEDGE



Relationships flourish in proportion to the functional biblical knowledge of each person.

Functional knowledge is "knowledge that is performing." It is acting on what we know. It is the application of information. In God's kingdom, it is putting biblical knowledge to work. Functional biblical knowledge goes beyond hearing, reading, and learning Scripture, into doing, practicing, and experiencing it (Jas 1:22-25). God told Joshua his success in conquering the Promised Land depended on his functional knowledge of the Scriptures (Jsh 1:7,8). The psalmist said whoever lives by the Law of Lord will be like a fruitful tree planted by rivers of living water, prospering in anything and everything (Ps 1:2,3). God's Word! Relationships depend on it as a light and lamp to illuminate the best way (119:105). Biblical ignorance and inaction have left many promising relationships withering and wandering in a hot, dry desert.



#5...THE LAW OF ROLE INTEGRITY



Relationships flourish in proportion to the role integrity and faithfulness of each person.

Role refers to the specific "job" each person performs in the relationship to make it succeed. Therefore, role integrity refers to faithfully practicing and fulfilling that particular job.

For example, in a biblical marriage, the husband is appointed the role of leader, the wife the role of helper (Gen 2: 18, Eph 5:22-24). If they are faithful and efficient in these roles and their implications, the relationship can succeed. If not, role confusion and role reversal will give way to disorder, conflict, even termination.

Also consider friendships. Some friendships are vertical; one person is clearly the leader, mentor, and teacher, while the other is clearly the follower, learner, and protégé. If this is truly the best scenario for both persons, then the relationship can flourish only if they are both faithfully fulfilling their roles. This does not mean the relationship cannot graduate into a horizontal friendship (walking side by side as "equals", with no distinct leader or follower), it simply means that in each particular season both persons must discern and fulfill their roles for the welfare of the relationship.

For example, Jesus had a vertical relationship with the disciples for most of His ministry. He had the clear role of rabbi and they the role of students. Then, at the end of His life, He declared them no longer servants, but friends, upgrading the relationship to a side-by-side friendship and partnership (Jn 15:15).

All relationships come with roles, even professional ones. Each person must assess the nature and intent of the relationship, and, what role they must fulfill to ensure the relationship's wellbeing and success.



#6...THE LAW OF MUTUAL COMMITMENT



Relationships flourish in proportion to the commitment of each person.

The modern proverb is true, It takes two to tango! A relationship flourishes when all individuals involved are equally committed and contributive. Different types of ongoing investments will be required for different types of relationships (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, financial/material, marital, etc.). The nature and intent of the relationship will determine what investments are appropriate and relevant. Are all persons willing to invest and give, and do so ongoingly? If so, there can be success. If not, the relationship deadlocks and becomes a one-sided project. Ecclesiastes 9:10: Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.



#7...THE LAW OF TRUST & SECURITY



Relationships flourish in proportion to the trust and security level present.

Trust and security, like many of these laws, grow progressively over time with positive experiences. Everyone needs the assurance they are relating with someone dependable, faithful, loyal, and reliable. Within such a safe relationship, persons feel liberal with honesty and vulnerability, resulting in a high level of intimacy and fulfillment. Relating persons must take extreme measures and exert meticulous efforts to perfect trust and security. Without it, suspicions, accusations, and paranoia threaten to swallow the relationship whole, making us hear what is not said and imagine what is not real.

Proverbs 20:6 (NKJV): ...but a faithful man who can find? Proverbs 25:19 (NIV): Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble. Luke 16:10-12: Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?



#8..THE LAW OF LOVE DEFICIT & PROVISION



Relationships flourish in proportion to love deficit and provision.

Love deficit refers to the specific type of love each person feels they need most. These "love languages" are well summarized in The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, though each language has subtle "dialects" (variations) from person to person. Love provision refers to the other person's cognizance and willingness to regularly provide that specific type of love.

For example, David had a tremendous love deficit from the ongoing shame and rejection from his brothers (1Sam 17:28,29). God sent Jonathan as a brother-type to provide the very type of love he needed to balance his emotional debt (ch20). Instead of shaming David, Jonathan admired and affirmed him. Instead of rejecting him, he embraced and loved him as himself.

All people, to differing degrees, pursue decisions and relationships by their love deficit, with the hopes of finding the corresponding love provision and rebalancing their heart. Emotional relationships (family, romances, close friendships) are the most susceptible to the power of love deficit, yet possess an equal capability to provide for, heal, and bring balance to those very debts. When people's love deficits are overlooked and not provided for, anger, depression, conflict, retaliation, manipulation, and chaos loom. Relationships are a place where God pays off our emotional debts. Be sensitive to this and discern what role you are to play, healer or being healed or both.



#9...THE LAW OF CHANGE-INCLINATION



Relationships flourish in proportion to the change-inclination of each person.

Change-inclination refers to a person's level of desire and willingness to change attitudes and behaviors detrimental to intimacy, or, certain benign habits that simply hinder or retard greater intimacy. This translates into flexibility, adjustment, and sacrifice in any and every way necessary to ensure mutual fulfillment.

Besides other purposes, relationships were intended to change us (Pr 27:17, Ro 15:14). A stubborn goat unwilling to change will never enjoy relational happiness. They will forever remain in Relationship Prison wondering what's wrong with everyone else. Don't you be that goat!

Relationship is the merging of two (or more) worlds and the creation of a new one. Some of the elements of these worlds are beautifully compatible, some can be made compatible with patience and wisdom, and some must be sacrificed totally. A wise person who enjoys Eden-type relationships understands change-inclination very well. They are ever ready to change themselves, willing to adapt, adjust, bend, compromise, submit, and sacrifice to walk in Eden with others. Not weak-willed, but soft-willed.

We cannot change others. You know that right? Many become obsessed with rearranging or fixing others, and fail to see this is codependence at best, manipulation at worst. Personal transformation is the prerogative of the Holy Spirit and the person's freewill alone. Certainly we can apply the power of example, humility, love, truth-speaking, confrontation, and other provocative agents to motivate change, but our efforts have limits, limits we must respect and accept. When each person in a relationship has a high change-inclination, their bond will never stop ascending into greater and greater intimacy and joy.



#10...THE LAW OF PEACE-ORIENTATION



Relationships flourish in proportion to the peace-orientation of each person.

Peace-orientation refers to a person's level of zeal to achieve and maintain unity and harmony in a relationship. I am not referring to a false peace or an avoidant peace-faking, whereby one person indulges or enables another person's evils. Peace-orientation is a bentness for true, interpersonal peace that inspires one to be solution-oriented, negotiable, and most of all, loving and humble. This quality is determined largely by the spiritual and emotional maturity of the person.

Scripture has a mouthful to say about peace-orientation. Paul said to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" (Eph 4:3, emp added). In the verse before he tells us to be completely humble, gentle, patient, and loving. He also said, "If it possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Ro 12:18). Jesus said, "Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other" (Mk 9:50). Salt preserves...preserve peace. God's Word is commanding us to have a high peace-orientation.

Those with a low peace-orientation are constant perpetrators of chaos, drama, and conflict. Scripture frowns on them. Proverbs 29:8,9: Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger. If a wise man goes to court with a fool, the fool rages and scoffs, and there is no peace. Psalm 120:5-7: Woe to me that I dwell in Meshach, that I live among the tents of Kedar! Too long have I lived among those who hate peace. I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.